Some days are harder than others, and that’s ok.
Why does it feel so hard sometimes? I know that there are choices every single day that we can make and choose to be happy, but sometimes it feels like a hard thing to do. Which is ridiculous, doesn’t everyone want to be happy? We get to choose happiness, so why am I not choosing it right now? Because sometimes it’s hard to see it, feel it and believe it.
I think for me right now it’s because I’m still stuck (not sure if that’s the right word) on the fact that I am not a mom. My brother and sister in law stayed with us for a week (sister stayed on for another week!) with their one-year-old baby. And this baby is a wonder; she is so lovely and so completely loved by her parents and everyone who meets her. My sister in law told me that she loves being a mom more than anything she could have thought. What a beautiful thing that is, and I am so grateful that I am getting to spend some time with her and enjoy this stage of her life (I got to see some of her first steps ever!). It has, however, been brought into the forefront again that I am not going to get to experience this for myself. I’m having trouble putting this into words to be honest, but I think I need to see someone about it, find a way to really come to terms with the fact that I am not going to carry a little life into this world and leave a piece of me behind when I go. I wanted to be able to have the hard conversations with a pre-teen, help them learn and grow and show up for them (whether they like it or not). I wanted to teach them how to read and hear their first words and see the first steps, knowing that I did that, I brought that beautiful little being into existence. I wanted to be the first person they run to when they got scared, cuddle their little body in the middle of the night and listen to their heartbeat. I know it’s not all roses, I know it’s sleepless nights, screaming, fighting sometimes and everything in between, but it’s experiencing the good things that make those hard times more bearable. But maybe I am romanticizing it, I don’t really know. But I would have liked to see what kind of person I could have raised, perhaps I would have been crap at it and that’s why I kept having miscarriages. All I know is that there is a hurt deep in me that I have trouble healing. I heard something today in a video I was watching, in it a young woman battling cancer said “you can’t wait for the bad times to be over before you choose to be happy”. This brought me to tears, it is so true. Choosing to be happy in each moment is a blessing. I am just having trouble choosing that right now, and that’s ok. I know that I will make the happy choice more often than not but I can honour that I still have some grief.
