One little piece
I felt called, called to write and share. This calling came to me about 13 years ago and I didn’t have the capacity at the time to even think of what that was and how to start.
But I started, I started writing a book and I wanted to share a snippet of what I am working on when talking about my miscarriages:
”I think, if we’d been successful in having a baby, I would have been lost. I always feared that if I had a baby with him, my ex would have forgotten about me and everything would have been about the child. And I was already feeling invisible and overlooked in my life. I think that was part of my relief in my first miscarriage, because that had been in my mind already.
It’s amazing what we can forget sometimes, until it gets triggered and comes to the surface.
A poem came to me on this:
To live a life
Going in a understood direction
Unconscious and silent
Hidden in self
Unwilling to open my eyes
To see what was there
To hear the bells toll
Eyes slowly opening
God exists in me
Energy blankets and caresses me
In love, understanding
Kept when all seemed lost
A farewell
Little lives lost
Another new exploration emerges
From gratitude tears fall
A new direction
Different from before
Healing the scars
Love transcends all
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I will not carry a child in my own body and, honestly, some days I don’t even know that I fully have.
I still feel a little piece is missing in my life, but I don’t let it take hold fully, it’s just sometimes there.
When people talk about acceptance and moving on, it’s not always talked about that what you overcame still comes up from time to time. And that’s ok.
We have so many pieces of ourselves, curated through our lived experiences and they don’t really go away. “
It’s weird, sharing something like this. But why I started this is because I felt called to share my stories so other people might see something they recognize within it and maybe feel less alone.
With so much love,
Emily
